Comedic Gold? Perhaps.

Sugar Zombies

By June 1, 2022 No Comments

I hosted lots of sleepovers. I also Ubered kids to movies, bowling lanes, and arcades. I know the habits of Food Nazis’ children.

When those kids are away from the dictatorship, they binge. At the cinema, they don’t buy a jumbo box of Milk Duds to share with their friends. Those 57 Milk Duds will be washed down with a 36-ounce grape Slushy. For two hours, they will experience the bliss of a sugar-induced zombie state.

Usually, you never want to stand behind a kid ordering food at a cinema. The array of choices paralyzes most kids. But, the children of Kale Eaters have no pause. They’ve been planning their order ever since they heard about the movie date.

During the movie, they will bug their friends. “You going to finish your Mountain Dew?” “Can I have your leftover Snow Caps?” “Are the Twisty’s stuck to the floor yours?”

Although most teenagers have already cashed in their piggy banks, the children of Food Nazis kept their SpongeBob coin bank. In the event of a mall adventure, they want quick access to coinage to fuel their habits.

Like London taxi drivers, they have mentally mapped their surroundings. Not for designations but sugar dealers: candy dispensers, vending machines, and bad parents like me.

Their favorite stop is Dollar General – sugar for a buck. Quality doesn’t matter to these kids. They want any product that lists the first ingredient as sucrose, fructose, or anything that rhymes with “ose.”

Food Nazis don’t watch The Walking Dead. Otherwise, they would understand that the more you deprive kids of sugar, the more likely they will join the zombie apocalypse.